What's Your Scary Story?

What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever done?

It sounds like an icebreaker question at a twenty-something party.

It isn’t.

It’s the cry of a desperate person facing a scary day, gritting her teeth, gripping the glass of water she’s sipping to stay still.

I guess when I’m scared I don’t want to be alone. THAT’s the scariest thing of all, aloneness.  It’s the threat hissing in my right ear while I try to work. Abandoned. Cast out. Banned. Me, alone.

I’d better not mess this up. I’d better do it, and do it right, and do it now.

Performance-based acceptance is a ravenous wolf that will not be filled. I fight this battle much too often.

So what have you done that made you feel afraid? Have you faced a challenge that carried with it the idea that failure would be unbearable? Have you set your jaw and squinted your eyes and screwed up your courage, gathered your tools and your armor and your security blanket, and charged into the face of almost-certain doom?

I guess I’m being over-dramatic. It’s not all that bad. It’s only a computer accounting program. It’s just that I’ve never done this and my best helper is not accessible and my best friends can’t help and my best resource costs money I don’t want to spend until I figure out if I can afford him. And I’m feeling ill-prepared to face this again, since I broke down in tears fifteen minutes into my first encounter – over four weeks ago.

Water glass is empty. Software window is open. I’m hiding over here on my blog page avoiding the inevitable.

Breathe. Refill water. Post. Go back.

You’ve seen my beast. What’s yours?